Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize