If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
BRING THE BAGELS
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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