John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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