we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
