Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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