He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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