i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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