Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
