Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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