and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
