Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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