she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
