This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
