he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
