i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
