I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
