I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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