hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
