You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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