I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
