why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
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