dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
