He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
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