i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize