i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize