My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Everclear isn't food dammit
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
