Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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