One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
