Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
