but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
