don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
