this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
