She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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