Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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