The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize