I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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