I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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