Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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