I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
