I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize