im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
