So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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