I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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