mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
