I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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