Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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