He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
