onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
