Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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