nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
