I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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