and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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