is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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