I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
