Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
