Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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