3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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