Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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