I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
How external is "for external use only"?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
