shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
