The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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