i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
