worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I've blown a few things in my day
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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