I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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