i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
