New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You are the jesus of drinking
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
