We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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