He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
